Monday, November 5, 2012

New Blog Site....

Please visit my new blog at

I am hoping to get back in the blogging world and have archived my old posts from this site and have begun a new blog!


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Happy 1st Birthday....Mills!

As I look back through my journal over the past year, it honestly blows me away. It’s hard to believe so much has happened in such a seemingly short time, yet a painfully long road. Roddy and I talked about what to do for Mills first birthday, have lunch with close friends and family, visit his grave. But the closer the time came, the more anxious I became of going back to this time last year. Wounds still so fresh in my mind. Some very dark moments where our lives seemed to be completely falling apart. Along with incredibly peaceful moments that can only be felt by His arms wrapped around us tight. There are so many things that remind me of that time in our lives. The newly budding trees, the first taste of spring days, and certain songs put me right back to that exact time and place. So, with all that in mind, we decided to take a last minute trip to Disney World! We had a wonderful time celebrating as a family. Remembering his life as a gift, and not getting caught up in the deep sadness the day could normally bring. My inlaws were gracious enough to be with us too, well, we didn't have to twist their arms too much!

As I reflect back to this time last year, there are so many feelings and emotions I honestly never knew existed until Mills was born. I have spent a lot of time questioning His sovereignty, His goodness, and His grace, only to end up knowing Him in a much deeper way. I had a lot of wrestling matches this time last year, with God, sitting on the other side of my baby's isolette. A lot of begging and pleading for Him to see things MY way. He didn't see things the way I wanted, and thank goodness He never does! Right after Mills died, I couldn't get enough of finding out who this man really was that holds my baby in His arms. I read and prayed and searched for answers. I felt Him and got to know Him in a way that you can only know through the pain and suffering of death. He is healing me in ways I didn’t know were even broken in my life!

It also brings me to a very humble place. I remember how unworthy I felt after Mills died. That our God would love ME enough to be involved in what was going on in my little life really humbled me. I am learning being in the presence of God isn’t easy, in fact, it is very painful. I think that is why even as believers, we try to avoid it all together and play the game. We really see just how sinful we are. I saw how truly undeserving I was of His grace and mercy in my life, and it was not fun. As Christians, we sing and talk about grace and mercy every Sunday. But for me, it was in the depths of despair I realized just how truly sinful and undeserving of Him I was. I am realizing I could continue to focus on what I had lost, or focus on what I had gained. I have to choose what I have gained. It’s still a constant battle, sometimes I have to choose it everyday, or even several times a day. I have to choose to believe in His goodness and trust that He is who He says He is. It’s easy to have faith when God grants you your miracle, but when you are left standing behind with a huge cross to bear and empty arms, this is where true faith is tested and refined.

I will never forget the day this picture was taken. One of the nurses took it with my cell phone. It was he first time they looked at me and said, "Would you like to rock him?" They removed him from his isolette, and with all his wires hooked up, and I got to HOLD him. Not just hold his hand through the holes of his isolette. I can't describe this precious moment, one I had most definitely taken for granted before. I left the NICU, for the first time with HOPE, feeling like he might actually make it! I went to a local children's store and bought all these precious daygowns in anticipation of what was to come. Less than two weeks later, He went to be with Jesus.
It really doesn't seem fair does it? If definitely doesn't seem good. An innocent little baby taken from his hopeful mother's arms. The truth is there is no way to make any senseof it! I just have to have faith that the Lord I place my trust in is way bigger than this pain. That His word says I will see Mills again and KNOW that He has the very best plan for my life. I know He weeps with me because I can't see the big picture, just a small piece of the painting. One day, we will stand back and see the finished masterpiece that He is working in all of our lives. Everything that happens in our lives, however awful, is an opportunity we are given to bring glory to Jesus. I can't tell you how many times I have wanted this taken from me, to not to have to know this kind of pain. To shut down and not deal with it. Taking my pain to Him, and trusting Him is actually the most freeing thing we can do. I know He would rather us come to Him kicking and screaming, yet in constant communication, than to be silent and turn our backs on Him. I come to Him kicking and screaming more times than I care to admit. And I have also played the silence game, just coasting, to see how far I can make it on my own. Which never works, no matter how long my stubborness goes!

There is something about the childlike innocence of the magic of Disney World. We all want to escape from something at times. Walt Disney himself created this fantasy land as a result of a broken childhood. Disney takes the fairy tale and transforms it into every child’s fantasy, placing little girls in the roles of a beautiful princess and little boys into their ideal role of the dashing hero prince. But the reality is, we live in a broken world, and life is far from anything but a fairy tale! We all dream of a perfect life and a perfect world. There is no such place until we get to heaven! We will all face hurt and disappointment at some point in our lives, whether self inflicted from poor choices, or from things completley beyond our control. It's what we choose to do with what we are given that makes the real difference in our lives.

I want to share a few of my favorites from Disney World( I took 600 pics!)

Tate and Jon Walt loved all the characters! I loved seeing their faces with each one of them
Jon Walt's favorite character is Donald Duck, which is funny, because it really fits his personality!
Tate did the Pirates League where they dress you up like a "Real" Pirate! He loved doing this!
Our family after breakfast at Magic Kingdom
Breakfast with Pooh
I love this picture of Tate laughing with Pluto! This kid amazes me with his abilty to process things at such a young age. Sometimes I feel like I need a theology degree to answer his 4 year old questions!
We did the teacups with Tate. I love this the teacups....and it feels like this ride sums up my life the past year! Nothing like the magical childlike feel at Disney!
Jon Walt's face pretty much sums it all up! He LOVES Lightening McQueen, and seeing him in person, was a sight to behold! He couldn't believe his eyes! He was saying OOhh Mamma!!
This looks like a hug, and it turned quickly into a choke hold!
At night before the fireworks at Magic Kingdom

So one year down, we trudge on through this crazy journey of life! Knowing HE is faithful and will carry us through all the trials we will face throughout our lives! Mills, do you know you have helped change the world? That your life has impacted many, many people for Jesus? Do you know that there are people who didn't want to go to church who are now going back because of hearing about your life? That there are people who spend more time with their family, who hug their children a little bit tighter because of you?

I am so proud to be your mommy... and I am so thankful that God has chosen to use you in a mighty way. I am so proud of the way that over and over again I have been told by people, that you have had an enormous impact on their lives... how you have helped to restore their faith in God and have brought them closer to Jesus. And you have certainly done that for me and for Daddy. Thank you for changing our hearts, and giving us an eternal perspective on life..

We miss you so much. We wish that you were here devouring your first taste of cake. Mommy and Daddy know, though, that you are perfectly cared for in heaven... that you are healthy and whole, and that you have everything you need. We can only imagine what your first birthday party is like on streets of gold! We are thankful for that; but we still miss you. Deeply. And as your gravestone displays, "You revealed God's Glory" And that, you continue to do....

I love you, Mills. I am so proud of you. Happy birthday, sweet Millsy boy.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Rear view mirror

I just finished a really interesting new book by Ann Voskamp. "One Thousand Gifts" is such a rich story of true thankfulness, grace and worshiping God for everything, in our lives. And I mean everything!
God spoke to me in so many parts in this book. Its not an easy read, in fact its quite deep. But the beauty of this book is in the simplicity of its message. Thankfulness. Which she refers to as the original word "Eucharisteo" This is not the thankfulness we think of as in "God is great, God is Good, let us thank him for our food" or a time in November that we get together as a family. Its a deep form of thankfulness that transforms into grace and ultimate worship. We only enter into the full life if our faith gives thanks. How can we accept a free gift of salvation if not with thanksgiving and gratefulness? It is inherent to a true salvation experience and to live a whole, fullest life. Like so many of us, the author is faced with many trials that left her wondering "Where is God? and what's so good about Him?" She sets out on an endeavor to thank God in every day life. One thousand gifts. "Suds in the sink, Jam piled high on toast, Morning shadows across the old floors, Dirty Laundry" Yes, dirty laundry! as a mother of 6, she found that giving thanks for every moment as a gift, gave her a peaceful, and FULL life. So many times we try and "fill" our lives with things to avoid our hurt. We all do it at some time or another. Maybe material things, hobbies, children, work. Anything to keep us from dealing with our emptiness. She writes, "Expectations kill relationships, especially with God." I can't tell you how many times this has been true in my own life. God calls us to be humble, and when we are humble, we expect nothing because we know we DESERVE nothing. But how great our God that He lavishes so many gifts upon us. Yet we think the opposite, what He hasn't done or what He didn't do for us, OR that He would in any way cause discomfort in our lives. When it is really just the opposite. With relationships in our lives, it's no different. We expect people to do or say certain things and when they don't, we end up disappointed, hurt, and empty. By worshipping God with thankfulness for every moment, even every hair-pulling moment(as moms) and viewing each moment as a gift, no matter what the moment holds, we are able to clearly worship Him for who He is. I know this is way easier said than done. Let's be honest, thanking God for dirty dishes, mounds of laundry and screaming children is not always so easy when its right in front of you daily. There are many days when I feel like all I have accomplished is change diapers, clean up messes, and refill juice cups. She writes, "When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate the cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, LIFE grows. and emptiness is filled."

Thanks is what builds trust

Count blessings and discover who can be counted on. Can God be counted on? Even in the storms and disappointments in life? remember and give thanks? What if remembering doesn't kindle gratitude, but 3rd degree burns? One of my favorite things she writes is "God reveals himself in rear view mirrors." She shares Exodus 33:22-23, "When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back." It's in the dark that God is passing by. When we feel abandoned, He is closest, at work, forging His perfect and right will. Though it's dark, and we are free falling, Christ is most present. Then He will remove His hand, Then we will look and see His back. God reveals Himself in rear view mirrors. And as she writes, "Sometimes we need to drive a long, long distance, before we can look back and see God's back in our rear view mirror. Maybe sometimes as far as heaven. Then we will turn and see His face, and everything will be clear!"
Oh my goodness, those words came alive to me as I know too well the doubt of can He be trusted? He can be trusted and I know this first hand. Looking back in my "rear view" mirror, I can definitely see His back! In some areas of my life, it took years to see it. Other times His presence was undeniably clear in an instant. I see it most recently with the death of our son. I see His back in every aspect of our lives with Mills. It becomes clearer with each month that passes. Knowing He held us, doesn't take the pain away, but it sure does soften the blow! Amidst our hurt, pain, anger and fear, He was there, tucking us in the cleft in the rock! Do I know why Mills isn't running in the backyard playing with my other children? No more today than I did the day he died. I will have to drive to heaven for that,and when I do, I will look in my mirror, and no longer see God's back in where He's been in my life. I will turn and see His Face! But until that day, all I can do is TRUST that His ways are not my ways.

What does your "rear view" mirror of life look like? Can you see His back tucking you into the clefts? Or is your vision still blurred by bitterness and anger over what He should have done? Sometimes we have to drive years before we see it, if we acknowledge it at all. But, He was there and He is more than safe to trust!
I am thankful for this beautiful writer and how God used this story to remind me of His ever presence in our daily lives. How I am reminded of giving thanks for every moment of our lives, because they are truly a gift. The ultimate gift of grace, which none of us deserves.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Saturday, September 11, 2010


Mills passed away on a Saturday. It was pouring down rain all day. Storming and flooding so severe interstates were closing. Roddy and I were staying in a hotel right next to Vanderbilt's Children's Hospital. We got a phone call from Mills nurse that morning around 6, telling us Mills wasn't doing well and she didn't think he would make it through that day. After meeting with the doctors at Vanderbilt, when we first arrived there, We were explained to very compassionately that we had a matter of days with our son. We had been there several days straight just holding him. So, although this phone call came at no surprise, the pain that we felt in that moment is indescribable. We knew the outcome, but I just kept pleading with God to change His mind. Maybe this was just a lesson God was teaching me and it was now over, and we could just go back to our happy ending. That this nightmare of pain might somehow come to an end. That Mills would have a chance to just come home with us. I know God carried me through those days, because there is no way I could have put one foot in front of the other. I was on auto-pilot, and while I was suffocating in pain, I also felt nothing at the same time. We made our way to the hospital to hold our sweet baby for the last hours of his life. I didn't want to get out of the car, I wanted to hold him, but I didn't want to let him go. Roddy and I sat in the parking deck before we went in and just prayed, crying out for strength for this day and that He would show up in our family. And He did. In the most painful day of our life, He indescribably did.
They let us take our tiny 2 lb baby to a family room at the corner of the hospital, that was all windows. We stayed in that quiet, peaceful room for hours, watching through our own sobs, as God's own tears streamed down the huge windows that encompassed the room. Praying, struggling for answers, and overwhelmed with grief. Part of me just wanted to run as fast as I could and not face it. Not to face the pain of knowing the inevitable, that we could do absolutely nothing about. The more I truly thought about what I was actually experiencing, the more I felt I couldn't handle this. It was just too much. As much as I never wanted to let him go, holding him for what I knew was the last time, was tremendously painful. Somehow, God's grace gave me the ability to not think past the moment and try to cherish every second I had with him.

Earlier in the week, I had sent Roddy to lifeway to buy some "Praise Baby" CD's because I wanted to rock Mills to this same sweet music I had rocked both Tate and Jon Walt to. The music they still fall asleep to every night, tucked so safe and secure in their little beds. I wanted that for Mills so bad. To be able to feel that security as a child, that his mom and dad could rock him and lay him in his crib as we watched him sleep. But with Mills, this is the closest I would have to that. To hold him as he peacefully entered the glorious gates of heaven, with lullabies that couldn't hold a candle to our Praise Baby. Oh, and I am sure they are amazing! To be rocked and held by a Heavenly Father that's love that is inseparable. It was a privilege I had been given, but in my anguish, I didn't see it that way at all. I wanted him here to listen to OUR lullabies, and it hurt so bad. His life wasn’t supposed to end like this.
My mom, sister and brother n law made their way through the storms to be with us on that day. My Dad was in Uganda and Roddy's parents had been able to be there the day before. And it was as if God had planned the entire day. Set it up just the way He wanted it. They arrived in time to hold him, love him, and have incredible spirit- filled prayer time with him and our family. I don't think anyone there that day can put into words the presence of the Lord that was in that room. Looking back, it gives me chills to think of how ever present we literally felt Him there and throughout that time. He wrapped His arms around all of us and gave us a peace that defies all human comprehension. In the midst of our tremendous grief, this All-Knowing, All-Powerful, Creator was there with us and it humbled us to the core. He made Himself present in our small, insignificant lives. And because of this, none of us in the room that day will ever be the same.

The bible says Jesus was a man that knew what is was like to be overcome with sorrow. In the night before He was arrested, He said "My soul is overcome with sorrow to the point of death."(Mark 14:34) Um, Right there with you, Jesus! Couldn't have said it better myself! It does bring relief to know that Jesus understands what its like to have sorrow pressing the life out of you. He understands the lump in our throat and the heaviness in our chest, and the sickness in the pit of our stomach. He understands it because He has been there himself. It's uniquely through our own sorrows that we can draw close to the Man of Sorrows. He wept with us and held us up for days to come. And is still holding us up.

I share a few small portions of this very intimate day so people will get a small glimpse the mercy and grace that were extended to us in the darkest of our hours. We cried out to Him, and He was there. Everyone who walks with Him has access to this same grace and mercy in which we were shown. You just have to ask. He will not disappoint. He doesn't let go and He IS real. Isn't it comforting to know He extends this grace to His children in the exact moments we need it?
I have had to walk away from this post about ten times before I finished it. The frustration and tears just kept coming. People see me and say "You are so strong!" and the truth is some days I am barely hanging on! But the beauty is I am still hanging! No one can prepare themselves to walk into a room filled with tiny caskets and make a choice of the one you want your child to lie in. No one ever imagines seven years to the date of your wedding, you would be walking around a cemetery picking the perfect place to bury your son, and one day, yourselves. No one can imagine making it through it, because you can’t. He gives us this grace just as we need it and wraps us in His arms in an incredible way in the most perfect timing.

True faith isn’t pretty when you are living amidst it, in fact it as messy as it gets! Its questioning when you feel let down, praising when you are hard-pressed from every side, and loving when you don't really feel like it! I really hesitate to write these truest of thoughts. That people might think I should move on, or get over it. I won’t ever get over it. I will get through it, not over it. I don't think God wants me to get over it, He wants to lead me through it, holding my hand each step. Because, there is part of me that is forever changed and different because I buried my baby at 6 weeks old. God changed our hearts and lives through Mills Thomas. This is part of our story, that we hope to somehow use it for Him, and we are richly blessed in more ways than we can even describe.

I love the song “Held” by Natalie Grant. The chorus says,

This is what it means to be Held,
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be Held

And we ARE held! I will be the first to say that trusting Him doesn’t take the pain away. It hurts tremendously. We don't have to pretend we are perfect and that everything is ok all the time, because it's NOT! Yet, we serve a mighty God that restores, heals and makes all things new! When we face these days of immense pain and sorrow, He gives us the grace we need in the exact moment we need it and carries us through. As believers, we have the gift of everlasting HOPE. This is the promise we can believe in and hold onto! Mills is being "Held" today by the same Savior that's holding us up daily! And that, my friends, gives me PEACE amidst a broken heart.

"In the day that I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul” Psalms 138:3

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Come thy Fount of Every Blessing.....

I was listening to one of my favorite old hymns the other day, Come Thy Fount of Every Blessing. Ok, So maybe it was David Crowder Band-style, complete with steel drums, electric guitar, rocked out version. But, nonetheless, it is an OLD hymn! This Southern Baptist girl at heart much prefers the contemporary versions anyday!I love the words of this verse "Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love. Here's my Heart, Lord take and seal it, Seal it for thy courts above" These age-old lyrics are still so true today!
The past week, I have been really sad. Just missing my little guy and reliving the events that occurred in my head over the past few months. That can sometimes bring me to a despairing place, yet I think part of it is necessary for healing. To not sweep those feelings away, but not to dwell on them either. It is really difficult. So, sometimes these memories are triggered by something, they resurface and I get incredibly overcome with sadness. I know with all my heart that God has a purpose and is revealing it daily. However, the pain and doubt still creep in. I remember the sense of overwhelming abandonment I felt from God right after Mills was born. I felt completely defeated. I was sitting on the porch with my mom in the beginning, when we had gotten one bit of bad news after another. It seemed like we could never catch a break! I was TIRED of hearing the worst! Mills was in Huntsville and we were both bouncing in between taking care of Tate and Jon Walt, and staying in Huntsville with Mills. I remember angrily telling my Mom,"I feel like God is taking everything from me!" As my hands literally clenched everything of familiarity I could hang on to. The life I used to know was gone, and I was scared. Little did I know just how much my life would change in so many ways! I will never forget what she said to me that day, "He doesn't WANT to take everything from you, He just wants to see that you are WILLING to give it." True wisdom spoken from a woman that has lived for serving Him all her life. A mom that wished she could find some way to take the pain away from her child. In that moment, I knew she was right. I didn't like it. I didn't want it. I wanted it taken from me. I was angry and felt defeated. I WASN'T willing, I wanted to have my life back! It wasn't fair! But I knew in my heart she had a word from the Lord that day, and in time He would show me.

Over the next few weeks, He brought me to the humbling place of surrender. Where I WAS willing to give it all. Knees to the ground, everything is Yours, God, it was never mine to start with. It can all be taken from me tomorrow, but I still have Him, HE never changes! I am clinging to your hope, Lord, and waiting on You!

The pain we felt through Mills life has changed us immensely. We are making progress, and the waves do roll in less frequently, but they still roll in. And when they do I stand firm in my faith and pray a hedge of protection around my family.
The enemy "prowls around like a lion, looking for someone to devour"(1Peter 5:8) The enemy despises people who desire to worship Him, especially amidst tragedy. Who yearn to know Him more through the pain and suffering. He loves to attack our thoughts with guilt, insecurity and anxiety. We don't have to experience grief for this attack. It happens to us all daily and can destroy lives if we allow it. That is why I have to put up my shield of faith and realize he is prowling and looking for a place to sink his teeth into!
So when I feel prone to wander, I pray a lot, for God to seal my heart and protect me from the insecurity that tells me I can't do it. That I can't go on, that the pain is too much to bear. The guilt that tells me I should have done more. Or, if I trusted the Lord more, it wouldn't hurt this bad!If God really loved me,this would never have happened. Those are the lies we are told simply to defeat us.
I could have easily slipped into a life of resentment after I lost Mills. Picking myself up and going about my life as if it's all a gift isn't that easy when you have lost something so precious. What God has given us in the form of pain can be given back to Him as a holy offering, one that glorifies His name and gives meaning to our loss. As hard as that is, and I mean it is HARD, that is what he desires from us! And I for one, am not going to let the enemy claim victory on this battle, not on my watch OR my son's life! The ultimate battle is already won. But the enemy is not going to get his foothold in MY battle! For Christ alone is the Author of our salvation, the Mender of our hearts, the Healer of our souls. He loves us more than we can even imagine.

"Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape. As I have already noted, not every bend does. Sometimes the surprise is the opposite one; you are presented with exactly the same sort of country you though you had left behind miles ago. That is when you wonder whether the valley isn't a circular trench. But it isn't. There are partial recurrences, but the sequence doesn't repeat."

Everything, including our pain is HIS, I am just so thankful He will meet us in it!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

The healing hand of God...

Last week, a lady I met told me a story of a couple she knew that had a baby prematurely and he was diagnosed with a lot of health problems. She said, “This couple REALLY prayed, I mean REALLY prayed, and their child was miraculously healed.“ It’s kind of hard to know how to respond to that. I mean, I am thankful that their precious baby was healed. But I could’t help walking away and feeling a little defeated and a lot disappointed. I know this lady in no way meant it this way, but I couldn't’t help but feel the suggestion that if we had prayed more, or prayed more earnestly, or had more faith, then maybe Mills would have been healed too. Some seem to suggest there is miraculous healing power out there for those that have enough faith to receive it. However those of us who didn’t get that miracle we wanted are left feeling our faith is deficient or God is somehow unwilling to perform a miracle.
Shortly after Mills died I read the passage in Mark about where Jesus healed the leper man. The man approached Jesus to be healed and said, If you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean.” and then it says Jesus, “Moved with compassion, reached out and touched him. I am willing, be healed!” Mark 1 41:42. I remember the great sadness I felt when I read this story. In my heartbreak, I read the words “I am willing” and in my own ears I hear “I was not willing.” to heal your baby.

I know this is an age old question for Christians. Why does God choose to heal some and not others? Why are some shown temporary physical mercy and others not? What's so good about a God that allows so much suffering and pain? I remember the first time I questioned this many years ago when I was in college.. My dad’s best friend and a very well respected pastor in the area was diagnosed with ALS. He literally had armies around the world praying for his healing. Yet, he still died. Its kind of a let down, when this happens. He was a Godly man that spent his life serving the Lord. It’s like, “Wait a minute God, what did we do wrong?” You could have rocked this world for Christ if you had just chosen to heal him. We know you can, but are You willing?
The question resurfaced again throughout Mills’ life. We really struggled with knowing what to even pray. We finally found peace in praying for “God’s will” no matter what. Not just praying for him to live or be healed, just what the Lord saw was the best for Mills life to glorify Him. That’s a hard thing to pray, to let go of your own dreams for your child’s life. We'd like to think that the way God can get the most glory is by doing a miracle we have put on order. We'd much rather have Jesus display His power in our lives through the form of healing and wholeness, success and accomplishment. Not dependance and weakness, those are way too difficult. But through this we realized the peace of surrendering to His will, is worth whatever the cost.

God is teaching me that questioning "Why?" is really an unsatisfying quest. We should really ask "What?" What are you teaching me through this pain? What do you want me to see through this sorrow? We will never fully understand "Why?" anything happens in this life. We aren't capable of understanding the great depths of His wisdom and mercy. I am learning that pain and suffering are a means to know Him with a depth I had never experienced before. He has things to reveal to us in our sorrow that we wouldn't have been ready or willing to listen to before the hurt. We finally are able to get a small glimpse of what He was willing to endure out of His love for us.
I am realizing that God sometimes has a different agenda than physical healing. I believe He is still in the business of miracles.While He still uses physical healing to show Himself, there is much more at stake. His idea healing has to do with the soul. His primary purpose in the here and now is not to heal all the sickness and pain, but to bring us to a place where our desire for our lives is to glorify Him. He values our eternal souls well being much more than our physical health and suffering hearts. A person that experiences the true satisfaction of peace in Him, is a far greater miracle than a person healed of a physical ailment. The people who Jesus chooses to heal, physically, eventually die from something. Whether their bodies aged or the had a different sickness. The eternal soul is much more valuable to Him, and should be to us as well.

I read a book by an author that lost a baby. She says that during the time of their babies short life, a friend told her, “The miracle likely isn’t going to be that God will heal your baby. The miracle is going to be that God will heal You.” Wow, So true! God has worked through Mills small life to give me a spirit of acceptance and even joy in the midst of tremendous sorrow. Hope and peace beyond our human capacity in a way that I can’t explain or begin to take credit for. When God uses the worst things we can imagine for our ultimate good, we are able to see the light beyond the darkness.

So, just like the leper man, Jesus says to us, "I am willing, Be healed." Be healed from the wounded, broken, places in our life. Be healed from our own selfishness and follow Me. Maybe not "physically" healed, but be "spiritually" healed.
I am also coming to peace that Jesus did not withhold His healing touch from Mills. He has taken him to himself, and given us the hope that we will one day meet again. I know our prayers were earnestly felt and heard by God. He chose to heal Mills in a different way. Our hearts were broken in order to be healed. Not an experience anyone would choose for their life, the physical healing miracle is much easier to handle. But would our eyes still have been opened and ears so ready to listen to Him?

I know my biggest search has been for Mills life to have meaning on this earth. That there is a purpose in my loss, that is wasn't random or worthless. Sometimes God allows us the privilege of seeing how He is using our loss in the lives of others and sometimes we must wait. I know I will never see the fullness of His purpose in this life. But I know one thing for sure, in the deep losses of life, expect to find yourself blessed beyond imagination, IF we are willing. I know I sure have, and he is healing me more everyday!