Friday, July 30, 2010

Our Bitter-Sweet Summer

slip and slide

Spaghetti Supper Outside!

I love this, just a typical summer weeknight!

Check Spelling
Jon Walt, "Bruster" loves the sandbox, just like Tate!

One of the million reason Tate loves his "Da-Da"

"O LORD be gracious to us; we long for you, be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress." Isaiah 33:2

As our summer is winding down, I though I would post a recap of our summer. I mean, really, how can I put our summer into words? Lots of laughter, lots of tears, lots of moments on our knees, and a whole lot of learning! So, I titled this post "Bitter-Sweet"Summer, but the bitter part is only the healing to the sweet. I found the verse above a while back and feel like it's been our family's motto over the past few months, "O Lord, be gracious to us, we long for you, be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress, " Isaiah 33:2. This summer has been a struggle on all of us, to grieve, find peace, understand, yet soak in each little giggle, sticky faced kiss, and precious hug we receive. Finding a balance between our grief and our joy, which proves to be quite a challenge. There have been many time over the past few months I guess are most described as an "emotional halt" Where I feel like I am standing completely still, and feel absolutely nothing. Yet world around me is like a merry go round spinning faster and faster. I have been told that feeling this way is a normal progression of grief. Almost like an out of body experience. Everyone else in the world is moving on with their life without a care in the world, not you, you are all consumed. It's hard to believe its been almost 3 months since Mills left our arms. Sometimes it all feels like a really bad dream and it never actually happened. I sometimes ask Roddy, "Did all that really happen to us?" But then there are things daily that remind me there was no dreaming to it, what transpired through Mills life was more real than can ever be described. It can only be experienced to be understood.

Shortly after Mills passed away, a sweet lady that has also lost a child, sent a card and she wrote inside it,"Grief is a process, not an address, don't build your house around it" I have thought about that a lot since then, and think there is a lot of wisdom to it. Grief is different for everyone, no one deals with it the same way. We all face it at some point, some sooner than others, some tragically, and some through life's normal progression. Either way, it hurts to the core. It sweeps in and takes up residence for a while, and then hopefully with time, goes away only to leave a painful scar and hopefully some sweet memories behind. Your heart will never be the same, but you learn how to cope and "not to build your house around it" Finding that balance is challenging, and at times feels downright impossible. You almost feel guilty to feel some kind of joy again when your heart breaks inside for the one you love.

This summer has been full of joy and laughter, yet anguish and pain. For I know this man I serve has been mending millions of broken hearts for thousands of years. He's the same God that comforted Mary and Martha when their brother Lazurus died and Jesus wasnt there. He's the same One who reassured David that he was a man after His heart, when he messed up more times than we can count! He is the same Saviour who defended an adultress woman burdened with guilt and ridiculed with shame. He's the same redeemer who time and time again people in this world have come to in their time of need, and He did not let them down. He may not have shown up the way they wanted Him to, but in more ways their human minds could never imagine.

He's the same God who I go to daily for the strength and grace to get me through my day. The only one who sees potential through my weakness. He is the only one who supplies strength to people in times of otherwise earthly destruction. He is the One and only that will piece together my broken story and mend my family's broken heart. So, I wait on Him, not always so patiently, but still I wait. I have found throughout this process that some people really don't know what to say to you about your sorrow and struggle. But Jesus knows just how to comfort people with broken hearts, He really does. He knows just what we need to hear because He knows us better than we know ourselves. He understands the weight of our pain because He himself has dove deep into the depths of suffering and sorrow. He has the resources of compassion and wisdom that no one else has. Fortunatley, Jesus is inclined to speak to us in our sorrow. He's not intimated by awkwardness or hard questions. In fact, the bible says He is drawn to the broken hearted.

So, I lean on this One like never before. This Jesus that has walked this path with so many others with broken hearts and shared in their sorrow is walking with me through mine. Its overwhelming what He is teaching me through this, giving me more and more desire to have a heart like His. And that, is a good place to be! For He is the one constant in life through sorrow and joy. He is the only one that can truly mend broken hearts in a broken world.

"He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds" Psalms 147:3

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