To Know Him, is to Love Him.....

The past few months, I have shed a lot of tears, more than in my whole life combined. I have experienced deep heartbreak alongside an unspeakable kind of joy. I have been down but not destroyed. Feelings of deep loss, yet a deep and peaceful gain. This morning our pastor preached on Job, it was an incredible sermon and the spirit of the Lord was evident in His house today. On the way home, I told Roddy, 6 months ago, that sermon would have flown right over my head! And yet, this morning, I couldn't stop the tears. I never had any reason to question or put my faith to test. My life had pretty much gone according to my little plan. Job experienced the ultimate loss, he lost everything he had, his wealth, his health, his affluence, AND buried his children. Yet he STILL fell to his face and praised the Lord. Most people will never encounter a true Job experience, where your faith is continually tested to the core. I am by no means comparing my family to Job, but I do know what it's like to have your faith TESTED and restored. I do know the realistic thoughts of literally losing every kind of comfort you have known. But to still have Him?, thats the promise! To be in LOVE with Him for Him, and not what he can do for us. To truly realize in your heart that we were created to glorify Him, not for Him to gratify us. On the way home I told Roddy, that although what we have been through has been complete anguish and hell, I wouldn't have changed a single thing about it!
Oh, and you have no idea how that statement brings stinging tears to my eyes! Because, I did question God, throughout this whole journey, My faith and love was strong, yet I still questioned. "God, why didn't you just take Mills the day after he was born, when we got that terrible phone call in the middle of the night, saying "He's not going to make it"? "Why did we have to go through the hope gained, then hope destroyed, and dreams lost, everyday for 6 whole weeks of not knowing and then only to have to give him back to You?" Or "what kind of God, watches a mom hold her precious baby as he takes his last breath?"
But, through this, I now know exactly what kind of God allows these things. An all-knowing, all-powerful, merciful, loving and holy God. You see, It's real easy to have faith when you get your miracle. Trusting Him doesn't mean God will show up the way we think He should. Our God is really not interested in us having a comfortable life at all. What he is interested in, is an intimate realtionship with us. He is a God that sees things, not as our human minds can even try to comprehend. One that loves us SO much that he CHOOSES to have a relationship with us, not because he needs it, because he wants us. A God that gave us 6 weeks to Love, hold and pray over our son. What we saw amidst our pain and agony was a glimpse into both Heaven and Hell. And in the glimpsing, We were given a gift- A 2 lb baby named Mills Thomas

And yet this is the Jesus I strive to know. This is the Jesus that says "Come to me, just as you are" I know how to handle it, bring me your pain and lay it at my feet. So, maybe its not about the "best way" or the "way it should be" Perhaps God is more concerned about taking the "spiritual blinders" off our eyes than giving or taking anything away. Maybe its about a much bigger picture than you and I can see. Maybe its about giving my family an eternal perspective we would have otherwise never seen. This is Jesus. This is why I love Him, "beauty is the mess we are" and that is exactly how he wants us. The Jesus who invites all the questions, anger, the frustration, the heartache, the tears and the sorrow, and says "Come to Me" His love is deeper and wider than we will ever find, and I find myself wanting to be more and more like him every day.

"Spiritual Transformation doesnt take place on Sunday when we get what we want. It takes place on Saturday, while we are waiting. It's what is forged while we are waiting, hoping, trusting, even though we have yet to receive that for which we long" Plan B, Pete Wilson

I will never know exactly why we experienced what we did. But I know one thing for certain, God has shown me I can no longer live the "safe" christian way. Mills forever changed that for us. I know Jesus has given me more reason to love Him, question Him, serve Him, and KNOW Him than I ever have known or desired before. I have no idea how God equips us to get through horrible tragedies, but I know He does. I am living proof. So, to REALLY know Him, is to REALLY, REALLY Love Him!

"For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom; and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength." 1 Corinthains 1 :25