Come thy Fount of Every Blessing.....

I was listening to one of my favorite old hymns the other day, Come Thy Fount of Every Blessing. Ok, So maybe it was David Crowder Band-style, complete with steel drums, electric guitar, rocked out version. But, nonetheless, it is an OLD hymn! This Southern Baptist girl at heart much prefers the contemporary versions anyday!I love the words of this verse "Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love. Here's my Heart, Lord take and seal it, Seal it for thy courts above" These age-old lyrics are still so true today!
The past week, I have been really sad. Just missing my little guy and reliving the events that occurred in my head over the past few months. That can sometimes bring me to a despairing place, yet I think part of it is necessary for healing. To not sweep those feelings away, but not to dwell on them either. It is really difficult. So, sometimes these memories are triggered by something, they resurface and I get incredibly overcome with sadness. I know with all my heart that God has a purpose and is revealing it daily. However, the pain and doubt still creep in. I remember the sense of overwhelming abandonment I felt from God right after Mills was born. I felt completely defeated. I was sitting on the porch with my mom in the beginning, when we had gotten one bit of bad news after another. It seemed like we could never catch a break! I was TIRED of hearing the worst! Mills was in Huntsville and we were both bouncing in between taking care of Tate and Jon Walt, and staying in Huntsville with Mills. I remember angrily telling my Mom,"I feel like God is taking everything from me!" As my hands literally clenched everything of familiarity I could hang on to. The life I used to know was gone, and I was scared. Little did I know just how much my life would change in so many ways! I will never forget what she said to me that day, "He doesn't WANT to take everything from you, He just wants to see that you are WILLING to give it." True wisdom spoken from a woman that has lived for serving Him all her life. A mom that wished she could find some way to take the pain away from her child. In that moment, I knew she was right. I didn't like it. I didn't want it. I wanted it taken from me. I was angry and felt defeated. I WASN'T willing, I wanted to have my life back! It wasn't fair! But I knew in my heart she had a word from the Lord that day, and in time He would show me.

Over the next few weeks, He brought me to the humbling place of surrender. Where I WAS willing to give it all. Knees to the ground, everything is Yours, God, it was never mine to start with. It can all be taken from me tomorrow, but I still have Him, HE never changes! I am clinging to your hope, Lord, and waiting on You!

The pain we felt through Mills life has changed us immensely. We are making progress, and the waves do roll in less frequently, but they still roll in. And when they do I stand firm in my faith and pray a hedge of protection around my family.
The enemy "prowls around like a lion, looking for someone to devour"(1Peter 5:8) The enemy despises people who desire to worship Him, especially amidst tragedy. Who yearn to know Him more through the pain and suffering. He loves to attack our thoughts with guilt, insecurity and anxiety. We don't have to experience grief for this attack. It happens to us all daily and can destroy lives if we allow it. That is why I have to put up my shield of faith and realize he is prowling and looking for a place to sink his teeth into!
So when I feel prone to wander, I pray a lot, for God to seal my heart and protect me from the insecurity that tells me I can't do it. That I can't go on, that the pain is too much to bear. The guilt that tells me I should have done more. Or, if I trusted the Lord more, it wouldn't hurt this bad!If God really loved me,this would never have happened. Those are the lies we are told simply to defeat us.
I could have easily slipped into a life of resentment after I lost Mills. Picking myself up and going about my life as if it's all a gift isn't that easy when you have lost something so precious. What God has given us in the form of pain can be given back to Him as a holy offering, one that glorifies His name and gives meaning to our loss. As hard as that is, and I mean it is HARD, that is what he desires from us! And I for one, am not going to let the enemy claim victory on this battle, not on my watch OR my son's life! The ultimate battle is already won. But the enemy is not going to get his foothold in MY battle! For Christ alone is the Author of our salvation, the Mender of our hearts, the Healer of our souls. He loves us more than we can even imagine.

"Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape. As I have already noted, not every bend does. Sometimes the surprise is the opposite one; you are presented with exactly the same sort of country you though you had left behind miles ago. That is when you wonder whether the valley isn't a circular trench. But it isn't. There are partial recurrences, but the sequence doesn't repeat."
CS LEWIS

Everything, including our pain is HIS, I am just so thankful He will meet us in it!