Our Bitter-Sweet Summer

slip and slide

Spaghetti Supper Outside!

I love this, just a typical summer weeknight!

Jon Walt, "Bruster" loves the sandbox, just like Tate!

One of the million reason Tate loves his "Da-Da"

"O LORD be gracious to us; we long for you, be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress." Isaiah 33:2


As our summer is winding down, I though I would post a recap of our summer. I mean, really, how can I put our summer into words? Lots of laughter, lots of tears, lots of moments on our knees, and a whole lot of learning! So, I titled this post "Bitter-Sweet"Summer, but the bitter part is only the healing to the sweet. I found the verse above a while back and feel like it's been our family's motto over the past few months, "O Lord, be gracious to us, we long for you, be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress, " Isaiah 33:2. This summer has been a struggle on all of us, to grieve, find peace, understand, yet soak in each little giggle, sticky faced kiss, and precious hug we receive. Finding a balance between our grief and our joy, which proves to be quite a challenge. There have been many time over the past few months I guess are most described as an "emotional halt" Where I feel like I am standing completely still, and feel absolutely nothing. Yet world around me is like a merry go round spinning faster and faster. I have been told that feeling this way is a normal progression of grief. Almost like an out of body experience. Everyone else in the world is moving on with their life without a care in the world, not you, you are all consumed. It's hard to believe its been almost 3 months since Mills left our arms. Sometimes it all feels like a really bad dream and it never actually happened. I sometimes ask Roddy, "Did all that really happen to us?" But then there are things daily that remind me there was no dreaming to it, what transpired through Mills life was more real than can ever be described. It can only be experienced to be understood.

Shortly after Mills passed away, a sweet lady that has also lost a child, sent a card and she wrote inside it,"Grief is a process, not an address, don't build your house around it" I have thought about that a lot since then, and think there is a lot of wisdom to it. Grief is different for everyone, no one deals with it the same way. We all face it at some point, some sooner than others, some tragically, and some through life's normal progression. Either way, it hurts to the core. It sweeps in and takes up residence for a while, and then hopefully with time, goes away only to leave a painful scar and hopefully some sweet memories behind. Your heart will never be the same, but you learn how to cope and "not to build your house around it" Finding that balance is challenging, and at times feels downright impossible. You almost feel guilty to feel some kind of joy again when your heart breaks inside for the one you love.

This summer has been full of joy and laughter, yet anguish and pain. For I know this man I serve has been mending millions of broken hearts for thousands of years. He's the same God that comforted Mary and Martha when their brother Lazurus died and Jesus wasnt there. He's the same One who reassured David that he was a man after His heart, when he messed up more times than we can count! He is the same Saviour who defended an adultress woman burdened with guilt and ridiculed with shame. He's the same redeemer who time and time again people in this world have come to in their time of need, and He did not let them down. He may not have shown up the way they wanted Him to, but in more ways their human minds could never imagine.

He's the same God who I go to daily for the strength and grace to get me through my day. The only one who sees potential through my weakness. He is the only one who supplies strength to people in times of otherwise earthly destruction. He is the One and only that will piece together my broken story and mend my family's broken heart. So, I wait on Him, not always so patiently, but still I wait. I have found throughout this process that some people really don't know what to say to you about your sorrow and struggle. But Jesus knows just how to comfort people with broken hearts, He really does. He knows just what we need to hear because He knows us better than we know ourselves. He understands the weight of our pain because He himself has dove deep into the depths of suffering and sorrow. He has the resources of compassion and wisdom that no one else has. Fortunatley, Jesus is inclined to speak to us in our sorrow. He's not intimated by awkwardness or hard questions. In fact, the bible says He is drawn to the broken hearted.

So, I lean on this One like never before. This Jesus that has walked this path with so many others with broken hearts and shared in their sorrow is walking with me through mine. Its overwhelming what He is teaching me through this, giving me more and more desire to have a heart like His. And that, is a good place to be! For He is the one constant in life through sorrow and joy. He is the only one that can truly mend broken hearts in a broken world.

"He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds" Psalms 147:3

Family Beach Trip 2010

Beautiful Jon Walt! Roddy and I have loved seeing his little personality come out over the past few months, and he is full of it! He has such a precious heart and laughs all day!

Both of the boys loved the sand, maybe because their sandbox in the backyard is their favorite!

My sweet Tate

Baytown Wharf in Sandestin is one of our favorite things to do!

My two sisters and their sweet kids, Parker is 1, and Katie Aubrey is 3 months, the newest addition!

Tate with GiGi and GanD

I love this picture, my sweet boys!

We ate at a resturaunt that had a guy singing Jimmy Buffett, so my sisters and I had to get up and dance with the kids, you have to seize these moments in life!

My big boy will be 4 in September, He is so smart, and has the most precious heart. Very affectionate and comes up with the most hilarious things!

Not sure what Jon Walt was doing in this picture, but had to capture it! These little guys are my heart!

My loves, I really like this picture, too bad JW has a mouthful of beads he found! Oh well!

We stayed really close to Seaside, my family loved going there, shopping and eating. It is such a beautiful area. Definitley an area we will return to!

I am so blessed!

Having all girls, my Dad is really enjoying his grandsons!

This year, our whole family was able to get together for a week at the beach. Every year, our families have gotten bigger AND busier so as you can imagine, it is not easy to plan! But this year, was even more needed than any other year. Our family has been through a very difficult time. Not only with the loss of Mills, but my grandfather, Papaw, went to be with the Lord in March while my parents were serving in Guatemala. His funeral was the day Mills was born, so Roddy and I weren't able to go. He was an amazing man that smile always lit up the room. I know God allowed me the privilege of being with him while he was in the hospital in the hours leading to his death. He was very close to Tate, and Tate always loved going to visit, and he always loved hearing "Tate" stories. So this year, was a much needed, relaxing a fun vacation! Well, we had 4 kids under 3, so maybe relaxing is not the best word, but fun for sure! And after the year we have been through, I treasure these moments all the much more! Thanks Mom and Dad for a wonderful time!

Mills Thomas Methvin

I wrote this, the week of June 24th, the week Mills was due, I wanted to post it for those who haven't read it.


This week, marks a very special ,yet painful, time in our lives. This week, we were were supposed to meet our precious Mills. And to be quite honest, I didn't realize it would be as difficult as it has been for me. I don't know why, I guess I thought it would be like any other week, good days and bad. But the realism of the "what should be" sometimes can overwhelm you. Then I have to remind myself that Mills came exactly when he was "supposed" to come, just not according to MY plan.We met him, loved him, and held him exactly when we were meant to. I know in my heart that God's plan for Mills life is far greater than I can fathom. I am humbled to have been chosen to be his mommy, to have been blessed to have known him, even for the short six weeks. That little guy taught us more than some ever realize in a lifetime!

We often think of blessings in the form of material things, protection, health and happiness. And those are all forms of blessings, but the truth is, some of the Lord's GREATEST and WOW blessings often times come alongside pain and suffering. I like the quote. "When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for which has been your delight!" For a God, as HOLY as our God, to have chosen to reveal himself to my family in our time of need, is the most humbling thing I have ever encountered. To think that, God, that created everything that we can fathom and more, wants to have an intimate relationship with ME, and cares about my life, no matter what kind of sinner I am or how bad I mess up. And he wants that with everyone of us!

I recently read a book titled "Plan B' Its perfect for all you people like me, when something in our life doesn't go according to "OUR" plan. And for all those "Type A's" out there (myself included) when this happens, it can rock your world to say the least! I wanted to share a portion of this book, because it really ministered to me.

"Because of Jesus, suffering is never the last word, We're promised if we put our trust in him, there will be a day when he "will wipe away every tear from our eyes, and there will be no more death, sadness, crying or pain, (Rev 21:4)
That's the promise. That's the last word-that ultimatley God wil defeat the pain and heartbreak of this world. That's he's already defeated it, but we're just living out the aftermath of the battle. That there WILL be a day when all is restored." Plan B, Pete Wilson

When unexpected things happen in our lives(and they will) we all have a choice to make.The choice of Faith. Faith is saying, I choose to believe in you God, more than this circumstance. Because He is the one constant, that never changes. He weeps with us because we can't see what He sees, but one day, very soon, we will see. His compassion is so Great, and He is ALWAYS faithful, even if we don't like the outcome, He has our best at heart. He gives and takes away, and I know that I am called to glorify Him, no matter the circumstances, it doesn't mean I am going to understand it!

I do believe that in one way or another, God answered our prayers to heal Mills. It wasn't here on this earth, the way we wanted it to be, but I have complete faith that he is whole. And we WILL see him and hold him again. I still struggle daily with my false sense of control, but God is teaching me I was never in control in the first place. The only thing we can control is how we respond. We can be bitter or allow God to make us better. I want to be better. As Christians, we aren't promised a "pain free" life, We are promised He will walk with us through every day, during heartache and happiness!

We are still healing, and we still have a LONG way to go. But God is faithful,and He is showing me things daily, that blow me away! Our journey of faith didn't come easy,we had our share of anger and doubt, but we honestly had no idea how to survive without believing God was in control! I am thankful God spared my life, and He wasn't finished with me here just yet :)! I know that God has a plan for Mills life, and in His timing, not MY timing, He will begin revealing that to us. I am thankful for the people God has placed in our life, that continue to support us emotionally and prayerfully and share this journey. And I know in my heart that , "Mills life will not return void to God, it will accomplish the purpose for which he was sent" Isaiah 55:11

"Out of these ashes, Beauty will Rise, and we will know the joy that's coming in the morning!"SCC

Thanks for reading my heart, just felt the Lord wanted me to share this today! Love to all-Rebekah

Eternal Perspective

It overwhelms me sometimes to think of everything God has done in just the past few months. Through my broken heart, He has completley changed my heart and desires. It amazes me the little things that were important to me before Mills, aren't that important any more. Things that used to bother me, not so much anymore. He has replaced these desires and thoughts with something far greater. Part of me aches for the ease of life when there was no need of knowing, Living the comfortable christian life. My eyes have been opened, and there is no turning back. He has shown me there is a much bigger picture than my narrow mind can process. Proverbs 24;12, says"Once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act." Proverbs 24:12. Through Mills, He has given me an eternal perspective, that replaces every desire I have known before. He has shown me how much I NEED Him and His grace daily, and I want to know Him better than ever before.

I have read a lot of wonderful books latley and the last two are "Crazy Love" and "Radical" Both of these books describe the "american dream" as literally ruining true intimacy with the Lord in America. How our culture defines success, and God defines success are two totally different things. David Platt says in "Radical" "Wake up and realize there are infinetly more important things in our lives than football and a 401K. Wake up and realize there are real battles to be fought, so different from the superficial battles we focus on. Wake up to the countless multitudes who are currently destined for a Christless eternity." But how quickly we as Christians judge our spirtual lives by church attendance and the "good" things we do. Don't get me wrong, church attendance and good deeds are important, but they are fruits from our hearts, not actions. Christians today like the God that fits into our lives and schedules. We compare ourselves to others, "I am not a hard core jesus freak like them, but I'm not as bad as the guy down the street" Yet the bible says,"All our righteous acts are like filthy rags" Isaiah 64:6. Our good deeds can never outweigh our sins. We give Him our leftovers, and then expect him to just bless our socks off. We love Jesus, and he a part of our lives, but only a part. We give Him a section of our money, time and thoughts, but we want to control our OWN lives.

As I have said before about "comfort zones" God is teaching me a lot. I have really been convicted about where I spend my time, thoughts, and money. It's easier to remain in the safety of where we've always been, doing the things we've always done. But we are missing out on what God intends for us! Through the 6 weeks of Mills life, I literally had to let go of every dream I ever had for my life or my family. I had to let go of everything I tried desperatley to hold on to. And just TRUST, that He was in control of Mills life, my life and my family's life, not me. And his plan, is so much bigger than I can fathom. It's a very humbling experience when you feel God so close, you feel like you could literally touch him. That's how we felt with Mills. He was ever present in our time of trouble. In the weeks following Mills death, I desperatly felt the need to fix the pain, rise above it, and kick this heartbreak to the curb. But the Lord knew what he meant when He said "Be still and know that I am God" And in the stillness, He has taught me more, loved me more and showed me more sinfulness in my life than I could imagine.

So, the truth is, nothing about Jesus life on earth was comfortable, in fact He was hated. True christianity isn't comfortable, it's dying of your selfish desires, wants and needs to follow Him.
And there is nothing about that is easy..

I love this from "Radical", "The gift of grace involves the gift of a new heart. New desires. New Longings. For the first time we want God. We see our need for Him and we love Him. We seek after Him, and we find Him, we discover that he is indeed the great reward of our salvation. We realize that we are not saved just to be forgiven of our sins or to be assured of our eternity in heaven, but we are saved to know God. So we yearn for Him. This is the only response to the revelation of the gospel"

I'm excited to see what God is doing in our family's life. I know He has great things in store. Right now, I am praying, a lot, that God will continue to lift my eyes to Him, and ways I can live unselfishly for Him. With a heavy heart, I am grateful for what God has done in my life through Mills. Being as close as I, my own self, was to death, and then feeling Mills breath one moment, and that next moment He was with Jesus. You realize how close and real Heaven is, literally one breath away. It is impossible to not have your perspective lifted above. I realized how close I was to standing at His throne at 31 years old, and He wasn't really interested about how many church services I attended or what scraps of my life I had thrown His way. What had I truly sacrificed in this life for Him?
So, through my hurt, I am thankful. My heart breaks for those who have gone before me on this path, those who know the agony of losing someone they never really got to know. And my heart aches for those who are yet to tread here, where I am. I pray for them, and I pray that God will lift their eyes to His face and show them comfort that only come from Him and give them an "eternal perspective" only HE can give

Waterloo

Jon Walt with Roddy's grandmother(MeMe) who just turned 90 in May!



Nana pulling Jon Walt in the wagon



Meme enjoying the sunset


Tate's fish



Roddy's family has a lake cabin in Waterloo. Its a great little place to get away, fish, and watch the sunsets. Roddy grew up coming here, and that is where he fell in love with fishing. He has lots of fun memories here as a child. So, it is neat for him to share that same experience with his boys. Although, we don't get to go often, we love the peace and quiet when we get to! It's a beautiful area, and the best part is that cell phones don't work in Waterloo!:) Ahh, Peaceful!

Auburn Chi Omega Reunion!

The crew, minus a few!

All the Kids


Auburn Chi O Days

Last week, my roommates and a few of my pledge sisters from Auburn all met in Huntsville at Amy's house for a day of catching up! I loved seeing everyone and their beautiful kids. These were the friends that knew me when I was just a fresh faced college kid, with her eyes open wide, a girl who scheduled her classes around "Days of our Lives" and thought she had life ALL figured out:)! Our biggest worries were "who bought the last pack of toilet paper" and "who we were going to ask to the next date party" All we had was a twin bed on cinder blocks, and bunch of text books, that we didn't read! Oh, how quickly we realized times have changed! Not much conversation went on without someone yelling "Mommy!" or crying because they got hurt! But, that's where we all are in our lives, and we wouldn't have it any other way! We did manage to have some "adult conversation" along the way, and I will say, it is an honor to be a part of each of these women's lives. We shared old memories and crazy stories, plenty of "WHAT were we wearing?" and "whatever happened to?" and where we shop for kids clothes. But the thing I cherished most was seeing my sisters in Christ, share where the Lord has brought them over the past few years, and that to me was the best! From the loss of a child, job struggles, to recent international adoption and one in the process of adopting. There is no doubt these women love the Lord with all their heart, and struggle, just like me, to know Him better! So, I consider myself blessed to have the college experience that I did, and so thankful to have these girls to lean on in my life! We hope to all tailgate at an Auburn game this fall! Waar Eagle!

July 4th Weekend

Parker and Jon Walt




Tate loves to drive the boat!

I love the 4th of July! Next to Christmas, it's probably my favorite holiday! I love this mid-summer holiday that is all about hot weather, swimming, fishing, boating, and Great food! Roddy loves smoking ribs and chicken on the green egg, and he is really great at it too! This year, Robbie, Stephanie(my younger sister), and Parker came in for the weekend. We are so blessed to have close family, that are also best friends. Parker, their 11 month old, and Jon Walt are very close in age, so it makes for a very fun and Crazy time! Steph and I took the kiddos swimming on Saturday, while the guys played golf, and then passed them over to the guys, so we could have some relaxing, alone, time at the pool! We also took the boat out with all the kiddos, Parker's first boat ride, and he loved it! I have a feeling we are going to be pulling a many a kids tubing over the next few years! On the 4th, thanks to GiGi and GanD, we went out without the kids for the day and then ended the day at my neighbors awesome firework show! It was a wonderful weekend with family and friends celebrating America's birthday!

To Know Him, is to Love Him.....

The past few months, I have shed a lot of tears, more than in my whole life combined. I have experienced deep heartbreak alongside an unspeakable kind of joy. I have been down but not destroyed. Feelings of deep loss, yet a deep and peaceful gain. This morning our pastor preached on Job, it was an incredible sermon and the spirit of the Lord was evident in His house today. On the way home, I told Roddy, 6 months ago, that sermon would have flown right over my head! And yet, this morning, I couldn't stop the tears. I never had any reason to question or put my faith to test. My life had pretty much gone according to my little plan. Job experienced the ultimate loss, he lost everything he had, his wealth, his health, his affluence, AND buried his children. Yet he STILL fell to his face and praised the Lord. Most people will never encounter a true Job experience, where your faith is continually tested to the core. I am by no means comparing my family to Job, but I do know what it's like to have your faith TESTED and restored. I do know the realistic thoughts of literally losing every kind of comfort you have known. But to still have Him?, thats the promise! To be in LOVE with Him for Him, and not what he can do for us. To truly realize in your heart that we were created to glorify Him, not for Him to gratify us. On the way home I told Roddy, that although what we have been through has been complete anguish and hell, I wouldn't have changed a single thing about it!
Oh, and you have no idea how that statement brings stinging tears to my eyes! Because, I did question God, throughout this whole journey, My faith and love was strong, yet I still questioned. "God, why didn't you just take Mills the day after he was born, when we got that terrible phone call in the middle of the night, saying "He's not going to make it"? "Why did we have to go through the hope gained, then hope destroyed, and dreams lost, everyday for 6 whole weeks of not knowing and then only to have to give him back to You?" Or "what kind of God, watches a mom hold her precious baby as he takes his last breath?"
But, through this, I now know exactly what kind of God allows these things. An all-knowing, all-powerful, merciful, loving and holy God. You see, It's real easy to have faith when you get your miracle. Trusting Him doesn't mean God will show up the way we think He should. Our God is really not interested in us having a comfortable life at all. What he is interested in, is an intimate realtionship with us. He is a God that sees things, not as our human minds can even try to comprehend. One that loves us SO much that he CHOOSES to have a relationship with us, not because he needs it, because he wants us. A God that gave us 6 weeks to Love, hold and pray over our son. What we saw amidst our pain and agony was a glimpse into both Heaven and Hell. And in the glimpsing, We were given a gift- A 2 lb baby named Mills Thomas

And yet this is the Jesus I strive to know. This is the Jesus that says "Come to me, just as you are" I know how to handle it, bring me your pain and lay it at my feet. So, maybe its not about the "best way" or the "way it should be" Perhaps God is more concerned about taking the "spiritual blinders" off our eyes than giving or taking anything away. Maybe its about a much bigger picture than you and I can see. Maybe its about giving my family an eternal perspective we would have otherwise never seen. This is Jesus. This is why I love Him, "beauty is the mess we are" and that is exactly how he wants us. The Jesus who invites all the questions, anger, the frustration, the heartache, the tears and the sorrow, and says "Come to Me" His love is deeper and wider than we will ever find, and I find myself wanting to be more and more like him every day.

"Spiritual Transformation doesnt take place on Sunday when we get what we want. It takes place on Saturday, while we are waiting. It's what is forged while we are waiting, hoping, trusting, even though we have yet to receive that for which we long" Plan B, Pete Wilson

I will never know exactly why we experienced what we did. But I know one thing for certain, God has shown me I can no longer live the "safe" christian way. Mills forever changed that for us. I know Jesus has given me more reason to love Him, question Him, serve Him, and KNOW Him than I ever have known or desired before. I have no idea how God equips us to get through horrible tragedies, but I know He does. I am living proof. So, to REALLY know Him, is to REALLY, REALLY Love Him!

"For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom; and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength." 1 Corinthains 1 :25

Hello Blogging World!

I have decided to start a blog! For those of you who know me well, know how "out of my comfort" zone this is for me! But then again, EVERYTHING over the past 6 months has been way out of my comfort zone, so what the heck? Many people throughout the past few months have asked me if I had been blogging the journey we had with Mills. I have met several incredible women who have had similar experiences with the loss of their babies.They were, and still are, capturing the transparency of their pain and able to minister to others through their blog. And, my bestest pal, Andrea, harrassed me to do one, so we both took the challenge on together! To be honest, our situation was such a whirlwind, I couldn't wrap my mind around what I was feeling each day to begin to minster to others or even put that pain into words. I would like to say that everyday we were so strong in the Lord, but the truth is we were overwhelmed with pain. The simplest things in life became the hardest as our lives were completely spinning out of control. The news of Mills health changed honestly moment to moment. One moment we were hopeful, and the next that hope was destroyed, only to find it restored the next day. That is the beauty of this faith journey that God carried us on, and is STILL carrying us on. My purpose in starting this blog is to share what God is teaching me, showing me and to be transparent about our experience. I am not a writer, my sisters got that gene, but I feel the Lord leading me to be continue this journey through this blog. God is teaching me a lot about this "comfort zone" word, and the more I get to know Him and love Him, the more I want to be LESS comfortable. I am no longer content with "ankle deep" faith. I can't be that person anymore.

I also really want to capture the sweetness of our everyday life with our two precious boys. the fun things that we do and the love that we share, and the little moments that leave us doubled over laughing. Oh the joy of being parents! So, here goes my first post, and one more "comfort zone" to conquer!